The Child That Waits

Many of our friends and family have asked on numerous occasions how our adoption is going. We give them the latest update as we know it, which leads to more questions, and more answers. We love talking about the adoption, so we welcome these interactions. Often, we’ll hear, “Man, you’ve been waiting a long time.” Or, “When do you think you’ll hear something?” Honestly, the only one who knows is the Big Man upstairs. That being said, the not-knowing makes time move at a pace that could rival a snail. But recently, something happened that made me realize that we’re not the only ones waiting.

To “fast track” (used very loosely) our adoption process, we said we’re interested in receiving information about children on the Waiting Child list. Typically children on the Waiting Child list have special needs, are older than 4 years old, or are part of a sibling group. Every once in a while, our agency will send us (the Waiting Child families) information on a specific child, or children, to see if anyone is interested in learning more, and ultimately, pursuing the adoption.

Recently, I received such an email about a sibling group of three. Our case worker passed the information along to me because one of the siblings is a 3-year-old girl matching our parameters. Our case worker knows we are only looking to adopt one child, but thought she’d pass the information along…just in case. I knew there was no way we’d be able to go from one child to four, but I studied their photos and information all the same. As I came to the oldest brother’s photo, and read his history, I felt my heart begin to ache, a lump rise in my throat, and tears sting my eyes. In his photo, he wore a big charismatic, confident smile. My first thought was, “Wow, he looks like a Bulgarian version of Bram!” After reading his history, I soon discovered he was the same age as our son, and his personality was almost identical to Bram’s.

Then the part that always breaks my heart, why they are up for adoption. Two years ago, he and his two younger siblings were sent to a foster home after it was deemed their mother was unable to provide suitable conditions for which to raise them. After some time, her parental rights were revoked, and the siblings became eligible for adoption. During that time in the foster home, neither their mother, nor any relatives, have visited them. The two youngest siblings were probably too young to remember much about their mother, but the oldest? To be taken from your mom and never see her again? To not fully grasp the concept of what’s happening to you? Are his memories of her good, or bad? Does he miss her? I can’t help but think of Bram and wonder what a heartbreaking and traumatic experience for a young child to go through.

And now, two years later, the brother waits with his two siblings. Day after day, he waits with his foster family for news that a couple wants to meet him. He waits for a mom and a dad that will be his parents forever. He waits for parents that will hug him and tell him that they love him. He waits to belong to a family.

I keep thinking about those three children. The oldest brother’s smiling face keeps floating through my head. I pray soon that a family will be blessed by this sibling group, because it’s so hard to read their profiles and know that you’re not the family who can provide for them.

Still waiting...

Zdrasti!  This post is a “Just checking in” post as I really don’t have much to report, except that I found out our dossier was officially registered with the Bulgarian Ministry of Justice (MOJ) in May 2014.  So we’ve been on The List for about a year and a half now. 

Every year that passes without a referral, we need to update our home study and renew our I-797 (an approval from the US Citizenship and Immigration Services allowing us to adopt internationally), because you never know when you’ll get that magical phone call, and you better make darn certain everything is in order.  That, and trying to save up money to fund the ridiculously expensive process that is adoption.  However, with car repairs, a much needed roof, and new windows, this is becoming increasingly difficult to do.  But such is life.  There will always be something that pops up that drains the account and makes you worry if you’ll ever be able to afford this adoption that you’ve now jumped into with both feet.  That’s when I have to remind myself that God will always provide for our needs.  He has yet to fail me.

With that being said, instead of not trusting God’s plan and worrying day and night about finances and home repairs, we could probably start tackling a little of the Bulgarian language.  The only word I know so far is zdrasti (z-DRAHS-tee), which is the equivalent to “Hi”.  I love saying it.  It makes me feel so cultured.  (It really doesn’t take much.)  Zdrasti.  ZDRASTI!  Zdrasti.  I also can say “good morning”…Dobro utro.  That is the extent of my Bulgarian.  I honestly don’t know how much Bulgarian we’re going to have to know since we’ll have a translator both times we’re in-country.  To aide in our learning process, I’m thinking of posting sticky notes of Bulgarian words on all the essential items in the house.  (Example: bathroom = banya)  See!  How fun is this!?  This way we can at least partially know what our child is trying to communicate in the beginning.  Not that we’ll be able to understand what a 3-year-old is saying anyway… 

Also, an interesting tidbit I learned, apparently adopted children lose their Bulgarian very quickly, some within a matter of weeks!  I read that one child, age 9, went to Skype with his Bulgarian foster mother, and had a difficult time recalling the language after only a couple of months of being home!

Bottom line, the important part I need to continually remind myself is to not get discouraged when our savings end up going to yet another repair, or when I read about other families getting to meet their children or bring them home.  We knew this was going to be a long journey fraught with emotional highs and lows.  One day it will be our turn.

It will happen. 

One day.

Me, waiting for a referral.

Bulgarian Babugeri



Bulgarian Babugeri
Source: For really long website, click here.

So…this is a thing.  Bulgaria is a country very rich in culture and traditions.  Apparently, this is one of them.

When Sam first sent me this picture I almost dismissed it, as I do many of the oddball things he finds on imgur.  I didn’t think it was real.  But the more I studied this, the more fascinated I became.  These are actual people in costumes.  And not just some chintzy costume you order from the Halloween store last minute.  These are serious costumes!  These took some time and effort to construct.  Imagine walking down a dimly lit street and seeing that walking toward you!  Perhaps this is the Bigfoot people claim to be seeing.  Who knows?

These wonderfully, terrifying creatures are known as Bulgarian babugeri.  They are also referred to as mummers, or more commonly, kukeri.  The tradition of the kukeri dates back centuries to pagan rituals of Thracian origins in honor of god Dionysus.  Generally, a ritual performed around the New Year, men dress in kukeri costume, dancing and walking through the village to chase away evil spirits in the hopes of good harvest, health and happiness in the coming year. 


Source: http://www.novinite.com/articles/123847/Go+Away+Evil+Spirits,+the+Kukeri+Said

The costumes vary in their design, but the idea is relatively the same.  The importance is in the symbolism of each mask or costume.  Red is a predominant color to represent the fertility of the land, the sun, and fire.  Black is Mother Earth, and white represents water and light.  Many of the men wear belts of large bells around their waists and carry large sticks or wooden swords to help drive away the evil spirits.  Some of the masks are double-faced, to represent the good and evil in the world.

Source: http://www.novinite.com/articles/123847/Go+Away+Evil+Spirits,+the+Kukeri+Said

Today, this festival (and traditions similar to it), is celebrated across many regions throughout the Balkans and Greece.  It is noisy and funny, filled with joy and laughter, all wishing for blessings to the community in the changing seasons.  After all, who can’t get excited for spring, right?

I love learning new things about our child’s country!  I don’t know when we’ll get our referral, or when our travel dates will be, but I hope to be able to experience some of the cultural traditions Bulgaria has to offer one day!

Random Thoughts

Last spring, Sam and I had to make the decision on where to send Bram for the next nine impressionable years of his life.  The public school, which is literally 4 minutes from our house; or the private school where we attend church, know all the teachers, and where everyone feels like family.  Oh, and happens to be 20 miles away.  Needless to say, we opted for the additional 45-60 minutes onto our already hour-long commute to work.  Nothing says family bonding like being stuck in a car during rush hour traffic.  Since Sam and I work at the same place, we often carpool together.  It makes the commute more bearable when you have a passenger to talk – what?  He’s sleeping!?  (Okay, I’ll admit that I totally take advantage of the extra hour of sleep too, when Sam has to drive.)

Occasionally, we’ll have to drive separately due to after-school or after-work activities.  And it’s during these times, when it’s just Bram in the car that questions start to emerge.  As he’s staring out the window, I’ll often wonder what he’s thinking when he says something like this:

B: “Who do you think would win – a bear or a lion?”

Me: “In what, Scrabble?”

To which I get a look that speaks volumes.




Source: www.alltheragefaces.com

I know full well what he’s asking, but I wouldn't be doing my job as a parent if I didn't slightly annoy my child.

Adoption questions also come up, not only in the car, but also at the sitter’s.  He thinks about the adoption a lot!  What follows are actual statements and questions from the 6-year-old mind.

1. Can my baby brother or sister go to the same school as me?  Please see my previously mentioned commute times.  I’m certainly not going to add additional driving time going from one school to another, let alone different after-school activities that are 20 miles apart.  This is a request I can easily accommodate.  Done.

2. I don’t know what to name my baby brother or sister.  That makes three of us.  And there’s a 99.9% chance that he or she will have a name already.  No, Spike is not an option (actual Bram suggestion).

3. I don’t think having a baby sister would be good because my daddy hurts Mama.  Now hold on before you go calling the authorities.  Thankfully, the woman who’s been watching Bram since he was 2 months old knows our family well.  And anyone who has kids knows that statements like these usually require follow-up questions.  His explanation went something like this: “Daddy tickles and wrestles Mama and she ends up getting hurt a lot.  I think a brother would be better because he’ll be able to wrestle Dad, and I don’t want a baby sister to get hurt.”  Aww, see, he actually had a very thoughtful reason for not wanting a little girl.  Unfortunately, what he doesn’t realize is that I often feign injury when I see that I’m losing the match.  I don’t think I’ve ever won.  I’m a terrible wrestler.

4. If we adopt a sister, I don’t want her to grow up and paint my fingernails while I’m sleeping.  Wait…what?  What would make him think that she’d want to paint his fingernails?  She’s apparently too fragile to wrestle, but she sure is a prankster.  I’m almost tempted to paint his fingernails myself just to see his reaction.

5. Miss Jill, did you know that when I have a little sister you will have to babysit her?  I hope you don’t become a bad babysitter.  To which she asked if she was a bad babysitter now, and was reassured that she was one of the best.  She followed up with, “What would make me a bad babysitter?”  “If you punch my sister in the face.  That’s what bad babysitters do.”  Yikes!

Clearly, Bram has dubbed himself Sole Protector of Potential Little Sister.  This is not a job to be entered into lightly.  I don’t know what brought about this sudden sense of responsibility, considering a year ago he was strongly opposed to having a little sister, but it’s nice to know that she’ll have a big brother to look out for her.  I can only hope he’ll feel the same way if we end up with a little boy.

Thank you for holding. Your approximate wait time is 2-3 years.

Finally.  It's done.

And now we wait.  Again.

This whole process has very much been a lesson in patience.  And just because I have a deadline to meet, doesn't mean that everyone else (cough, cough, government!) shares that deadline.  I had these grandiose plans that once our home study was complete, we'd burn through the rest of the requirements and have our dossier submitted by the end of December.  HA!  What a joke.  Here it's now March and I'm finally able to say that we've submitted our dossier.  (happy little jig here)  Along with a very large chunk of change which couldn't have been even remotely possible had it not been for the extreme generosity of our beloved family and friends, and also the wonderful Adoption Assistance Program at our church.  You guys are truly awesome!
 

So, what happens now, many have asked.  Our dossier is sent to our adoption agency where they will prepare it and make sure all the necessary documentation is in place, which takes approximately 2-3 weeks.  Once that is complete, they send it off to Bulgaria where it is translated and they will review it.  After it's been reviewed and approved, we'll be put on the waiting list.  The last I heard, our wait is approximately 2-3 years, which is actually pretty short considering the other countries we've heard about are in the 5+ range.  This will give us enough time to save up for the next big chunk of change.

So in the meantime, the Schmitz family is going to learn Bulgarian!  Bram was quite excited that he already knew one Bulgarian word.  I, on the other hand, was slightly disappointed.  Apparently Mama in English is Mama in Bulgarian.  (I'm guessing it doesn't translate like Mother does, which I've since learned is “máyka”.)  Meanwhile, Sam gets cool words like “bashtá” or “tatko”.  Or as I've been calling him, Taco. 

Unfortunately for us, there's no Rosetta Stone for learning Bulgarian, and I haven't encountered many Bulgaria 101 classes at the surrounding community colleges.  Surprisingly, Bulgarian-speaking programs don't make it onto the park district itinerary either.  I can't fathom why?  But I have stumbled across an interesting blog, written by a Bulgarian for an English-speaking audience called, Blazing Bulgaria, detailing the various words for relatives, the Bulgarian alphabet, numbers, and common phrases.  The entire blog outlines the culture, history, language, fun facts, etc about Bulgaria.  It's actually fascinating to read, and I highly recommend it for those wanting to learn more about the country.

 

So where do you turn when seemingly all hope is lost?  Amazon, of course!  (I mean, who doesn't, really?)   And this is where we found Intensive Bulgarian Vol. 1: A Textbook and Reference Grammar, complete with Audio Supplement.  Although looking at the alphabet, I don't hold out much hope for myself.  After all, look at the B.  That's right, that's a “v” underneath it.  A “V”!  Look at H and P!  And don't get me started on the numb-, I mean, letter 3.  And to complicate matters more, in Bulgaria when they say “yes”, they shake their heads, and “no” is indicated by nodding!  Great, I'm going to end up agreeing to something that I should be emphatically refusing.

So this is going to be an interesting 2-3 years.  As new developments pop up, I'll be sure to detail them here.  Or if I find something particularly fascinating about the country, I'll share it with you, just to make the time go faster.

I'm immensely relieved to have finished our dossier, which took far longer than expected, but we were warned there'd be bumps along the way. It will be worth it in the end, and before long, this will be a distant memory.  Everyone has been very supportive and we love that you share in our enthusiasm.  We're just one more step closer to welcoming another member into our family!

Road Closed, Detour Ahead

It’s been a while since my last post, but not much has been happening until recently.  First, we've been waiting for our home study to be approved by DCFS.  That’s been taking much longer than expected.  When DCFS reviews it and marks it up with their changes, they send it back to our home study agency to be revised, and it goes back and forth until DCFS is happy.  The review process isn't exactly swift.  So we wait, twiddling our thumbs. 

The other reason for our wait is that a few months ago, we received news that the adoption process was changing in Colombia – the Colombian  government decided to get involved with ICBF (Colombian Institute of Family Welfare) and the adoption process.  As a result, referrals were taking a very long time to be processed and wait-times were climbing (4+ years), specifically for families wanting children 0-6 years old.  There was an adoption conference last month in Colombia with the representatives of the Central Authorities from countries adopting from Colombia (for us, US Dept of State) to discuss these changes.  And this, my friends, is where we've hit our first roadblock.

One of the outcomes of this conference is that Colombia is no longer accepting new applications for families wanting to adopt young children, 0-6 years old.  Since we don’t have our dossier completed, that means us.  The reason for this change is so they can work on the referral process for the backlog of families that do have applications submitted.  Colombia says this restriction is temporary, but they are very vague as to their idea of temporary.  One year?  Five years?  Who knows? 

Bulgaria.  Capital - Sofia.

So now what do we do?  Fortunately, we have an amazing case worker, Nichole, at CHI who has been very accommodating with our calls and questions.  While Colombia is no longer available to us, Nichole also happens to be the director of adoptions conducted through Bulgaria.  The Bulgarian program just recently opened to CHI within the last year, and looks to be very promising.  So it would appear we’re doing a country change.  Bulgaria, here we come!

For those that are curious as to the location of Bulgaria, it is located directly above Greece and Turkey, on the Black Sea.  Two 1-week trips will be required when we travel, as opposed to one 5-week trip required by Colombia.  Knowing nothing about Bulgaria, I did some brief online searches; it's a very beautiful country rich in culture - the Balkan Mountain Range, the Vratsa Cliffs, Chudnite Mostove (The Wonderful Bridges), just to name a few.

Chudnite Mostove

Rose Festival

Fortunately for us, we are in a spot where a country change will be a fairly easy process.  We haven’t submitted our forms for immigration papers yet (because we’re waiting on the stinkin’ home study to be approved) and we won’t have to re-do anything we've accomplished thus far.  Any fees currently paid will be applied to the Bulgarian program.  Plus, Nichole has told us that the dossier is much simpler for Bulgaria as opposed to Colombia, so there may be steps we won’t have to do that would have been required for Colombia.  There is a silver lining!  The only downside, now we have to do a home study update.  Grrr!  I shake my fist at you, home study!  I wish it was as simple as replacing the word “Colombia” for “Bulgaria”, but somehow I doubt DCFS will be that accommodating.

Bulgaria in relation to other countries.

While a couple of months ago I figured we’d have to do a country change, I was still surprised that I felt a pang of sadness at not being able to adopt from Colombia.  For the past year I've been picturing a child from Colombia as part of our family.  It’s as if I’m saying good-bye to that child, even though the child we would've received isn't even conceived yet.  I now have to shift my mental family picture to a sweet little Bulgarian child.  I continue to have faith that God will make this happen for us; He’s just leading us down a different path than what we first envisioned.  I’m very thankful to the family and friends that continually shower us with their love and support.  You keep our spirits lifted!  Thank you!

Home Study, Part 2

It’s been a few months since I've last posted and people are beginning to ask again how the adoption process is going.  In a word – slowly.  And it’s not due to any problems with our home study agency or our placing agency; it’s a matter of timing – birthdays, holidays, busy seasons and whatnot.  But now we’re back on track and getting things accomplished.

During the past few months, Sam and I have completed three of the four required interviews for our home study.  As you know, the first one wasn't nearly as catastrophic as I was envisioning it to be.  The other two interviews were as equally uneventful.  Stephanie, our case worker, met with me and Sam individually.  She asked questions about our childhood, our parenting styles, our values and beliefs, how we met, what is our reason for adopting, etc.  She even asked what we thought our spouse’s weakness was.  Sam’s response:  “Her arms.”  So yes, it’s also her chance to see what our personalities are like in a relaxed environment.  Thankfully, she’s as laid back as we are and also has a sense of humor.  Our goal is to complete our final interview during February and hopefully have the rough draft sent to our placing agency for review at the end of February. 

Meanwhile, Sam and I have to complete our 10 credit hours of online education and get CPR certified.  The online courses go over topics like learning to recognize signs of grieving and loss in your adopted child, especially one that may be older and has been adopted internationally; learning to recognize attachment disorder, which can be common in children that have been in many foster homes and haven’t learned the importance of attaching to a parent; what to expect when becoming a trans-racial family; and addressing medical issues for international adoption.  After reviewing each topic, we are tested online and given a certificate of completion, which will be included in our home study and our dossier packet.  We also have to be CPR certified, which will be a good review since the last time I went through CPR training was when I was in swimming lessons as a kid.

Sam and I went to get fingerprinted for our State and FBI background checks, and two out of the three of us have completed our physicals.  Ahem, Sam, anytime you want to get that done would be great.  So that’s where we’re at right now.  After we get our home study complete, the next step will be submitting an I-800 form, which will explained more in a future blog.

As always, you can ask us anything about the adoption process.  This is exciting for us, so we’re happy to talk about it!  And if you’re interested in contributing to our fund-raiser, please visit www.gofundme.com/schmitzfamily.  Any more updates, I’ll be sure to let you know!